Call 911!

A tragic thing happened at work a couple of days ago, utterly horrible, unimaginable...my vacuum cleaner broke. Surely you jest? - you're thinking. Nope. I just stood there in shocked horror as the little plug in thingy popped off as the cord retracted into the bowels of the vacuum cleaner and spun crazily around inside for a few seconds. "NOOOOOOO! " was all I could shriek. I have a personal relationship with my vacuum cleaners, I have even scrapbooked a layout on my Beam vacuum in my house. The breakdown of my good, old faithful,workshop vacuum almost pushed me over the renovation edge! I just stood there, making frantic hand signals for a few minutes before I calmed myself down. I picked up the little dismembered body part and tried to breathe deeply... is there 911 for vacuum cleaners?

If you don't know it by now, I am a cleanaholic. My name is Cindy. It has only been one hour since I last cleaned something. Okay, maybe not even that long, because when I sat down to blog, I dusted the screen on my monitor. Okay, less than five minutes. I have tried to get sober several times without success. I am a repeat offender and I drive everyone around me to drink.

Here are my 10 random, craziest things that I have ever done:

1) Mike and I had weekend guests one time. They arrived Friday evening, after supper. By the time I went to bed, I was already "anxious". Saturday, I planned an excursion that would take everyone out of my house. While we were gone, I arranged to have my house cleaner come in and "clean" before we arrived back home. I lied when we got back and said that the spotless house was a result of it being my day to have the cleaners in. The people never came back.

2) When my new Beam vacuum broke down after only ten months of service, I took it in only to find that the motor was gone. Stupid me!! When they asked me how many times I vacuum on average, I told the truth. They meant per week. When I told them that I vacuum three to five times per day, the look on their faces told me instantly that I had made a tactical error. When I went to pick up the vacuum, they had prepared a waiver, saying that I could not get another free motor, because I was using it excessively. I refused to sign, the conversation got pretty heated. I figure that if the warranty states that the motor is covered for seven years then it should be covered for seven years, regardless of how many times it gets turned off and on in a day! I killed it in ten months! This spring, the company closed up shop and the owners retired. I am sure that they did that because I am about due for another motor!

3) My best friend told me that my children became sickly as young adults, because they had left the germ free environment that we live in and they had entered the real world. (She was dead serious)

4) I wash my bathroom floor every night. Except for nights that I am at the Inn. I have tried to recover from this one, as for some reason it is particularly irritating to Mike. Possibly because crutches and a wet tile floor are not a good idea? So now I have to dry my floor after washing it every night so that he does not slip when he goes in to brush his teeth. See, I am good at compromise.

5) I used to clean after my family went to bed. That came to a very sudden stop, late one night. My old, old vacuum broke down and I had borrowed my mother's. (Do you see a pattern here?)How was I to know that it was louder than mine? When it stopped, I turned the switch off and on an couple of times to see if I had accidentally shut it off. Nope. Maybe it unplugged in the hallway? I poked my head out of the office to look down the hallway and see if it was unplugged. Mike was standing at the outlet, the cord in his hand and he didn't have to say a word. I got the message loud and clear, just by the look on his face! I had to alter my plans and only dust and wash after midnight. Later, he told me that he was not surprised that I didn't roll him onto my side of the bed after he had fallen asleep, change the sheets and then roll him back so that I could finish making the bed. I hadn't thought of that one!

6) When Daniel's girlfriend, Vanessa got a Swiffer dust mop on Christmas Eve and she was so excited that she wanted to go right home to their house and try it out, I knew that she was the right girl for my son. While I was sitting there, smiling my approval, the rest of the family was stunned to silence and were contemplating the repurcussions and the expense of sending both of us to EdgeWood Treatment Center in Nanaimo. B.C.

7) Two cleaning companies have left my employment. One just packed up and left and never came back, I had to fire the other. Now Megan cleans for me, partly because I trained her and partly because she knows that she'll make good money off of me. I clean before and after they clean. I just keep relapsing.

8) With regards to the cleaners that I fired...after I complained several times about cutting corners, they started leaving me check lists of what "should" be cleaned in each room and how often it should be done. When they left me a list one day, they had circled in red, in big bold letters "DOES NOT HAVE TO BE DONE EVERY WEEK''. (I am so dead serious! ) That really ticked me off, am I not the paying customer???? They didn't even bill me for the last two times that they cleaned. Do you think that I am on someone's list somewhere with the words "When hell freezes over" written behind my name?

9) My daughter opened her own cleaning company last year and does about four commercial properties and about six or seven houses. There are so many cleaning products on my grocery bill that she steals my grocery receipts and deducts them for income tax. (I am not kidding).

10) I came home from work one day (Mike was recuperating from his first amputation) and he excitedly told me that there was a lady "just like me" on Doctor Phil that day. When I asked what he specifically meant by that, he said that she had a cleaning compulsion as well. Then he earnestly exclaimed "And you can be fixed!" So if I open up a card someday and there is a gift certificate for Edgewood, I guess I should know that I had it coming! Is there a 12 step program for cleaners???

Until the day that my family commits me, I will happily continue to dust, clean and vacuum everything in sight. I am Cindy and I am a cleanaholic.